Move on. Face it bravely. Look at the bright side. Think with your head, not your heart.

All easy to say but hard to put into action.

What can I say? Can't say it doesn't hurt, cos it fucking does. Rewatching episodes of The OC doesn't exactly help my situation either.

I've learnt this summer to be indifferent about the whole thing, to hide my feelings behind a smile, just so it's easier to deal with. When people ask "What happened?", I shrug and say, "Seriously? I don't know."

And the truth is? I really don't.

Till this day, I still question it. Why? Why did it all fall apart? When? How? What did I do? What did I not do?

And the sad thing is? I have absolutely and utterly no clue.

But it's helped that some still care for me, even though I neglected them when I fell apart. I guess you never really get over your first serious relationship. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about this. But hopefully one day, it'll sort of fade into a dull throbbing in the back of my mind.

Bits and pieces of that past come floating back once in awhile, hitting me when I least expect it. I suppose that's how it's supposed to be, how I'm supposed to learn how to deal. But it's hard. I guess it was worse 2 months ago, but the pain, though subsided, is still there inside.

And what's worse is that I think it's just being suppressed deep down, and that one day it'll be too much to take and it'll just burst out, like a river dam breaking.

How will I take it then? Am I supposed to let it all out just so I can get over it? I thought I did that a long time ago. I cried till there weren't tears anymore. And I was glad. I thought that was the end of it. I guess it's not.

I know it takes time. And I know this is all I've wished for. I don't regret any of it, and I'd do it all over again if I had to. I never expected that it would hit me so hard, that it would be this painful.

And now, it's gotten even more confusing. I know it shouldn't be, because let's face it, it's over. And hoping for anything other than that conclusion would just open up old wounds.

I think what hurt the most was that this whole thing seemed to affect me more than it did him. I don't get how he can forget me so easily. It's like I never truly meant anything the whole time we were together. I think that's the first time I've said that out loud.

Tears are easy. And weak. That's why I toughen up and hide it. It's easier that way. Putting on a mask is far more effective. True, the scars are still there, but at least now, they're hidden from the world.