In everyone's life, there comes a time when one has to face a breakup. Ok, so maybe my relationship didn't last for very long. But it was the first one where I invested so much time, energy and emotion into.

There are different stages of a breakup, and I've experienced all of them. Well, maybe not the final one yet.

Shock left me cold. It was like I'd suddenly lost all my senses. I couldn't hear, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see. It was like receiving a large, and very painful, punch in the gut.

Next came Denial, riding down on me swiftly, just as I left for Europe. I tried to ignore the fact that I was, once again, newly single, even though it wasn't too long ago that I was a singleton. I tried to pretend everything was fine and dandy, that I still had him, that we were still together.

Then came Fear. Fear that I would never find someone as cute (as superficial as this sounds, don't tell me no girl in this world will think this to herself.) as him, fear that I would never be in another relationship with such passion and fun, fear that I would never be loved. And, since I was the one who got kicked to the curb, fear that the next relationship I get into would end up like this one.

Despair is the worst. It brings you down to your knees when you least expect it. It tears you apart inside and your heart feels like it's breaking into a gazillion little shards. You feel like someone's stabbed you in the chest with a blunt knife and twisted it in the wound. Plus it's worse for me, since my parents are blissfully ignorant, so I have to hide it somehow. I can't cry, so the pain and hurt just wells up inside.

Anger helps. But after a flash of Anger, Despair inevitably follows. I don't know why. Anger helps me have a certain perspective, so I don't drown too much in sorrow. "Why?!" "How dare he dump me?!" "It's his loss!" "He toyed with my feelings!" "I hope the girl he's next with looks like a cow!" Stuff like this helps to ease the pain a little, although it does trigger some angry tears. Unfortunately, guilt of wishing bad stuff on people comes later. (Why did I have to be so soft-hearted?)

Sadly, Acceptance looks like a little speck in the distance. I know, eventually, I'll forgive and perhaps (but probably not) forget.

But for now, I'm still hanging on to those memories. Some days, I wake up feeling pretty ok, and when I think back to those times we had together, I can't help but smile. Sure, it might be a wry one, but at least we had some pretty good times while it lasted.

I'm still not ready to let go and move on. Still not ready to say goodbye. I'm still hanging on to the threads. Maybe just for a little while more.