So when I thought everything was gonna work out fine, I was wrong.

You know what? I have a theory. When everything seems perfect, that's when life will pull the rug from beneath you. And the weird thing is, I always seem to fall into the same trap, over and over again. It's like the movie Groundhog Day. You wake up to the same nightmare everyday repeatedly.

I've been really into Gossip Girl recently. Just finished the whole of Season 1. Yes, I know everyone's on Season 2, almost towards the end already, but a lack of moolah equals no proper runs of the show. It's kind of like The O.C., but instead of West Coast, it's East Coast. Instead of snooty rich kids in California, it's snooty rich kids in Manhattan. Awesome show.

I look around me and I see all these people who've accomplished so much. They're smart and beautiful and rich and successful. What about me? I read in a magazine about how more and more women today are earning £75,000 annually, and I think, "Will I ever be one of them in the future?" I just don't see myself as Someone, with a capital S. But I want to be. I guess wanting isn't quite enough.

I just think, I've sacrificed so much. So much for this one person. And this is how I get treated? I can see myself, if I was someone I knew who was in the same position as I am in now, I would advise them to walk away. But then I stay. I stay and I fall into the same damn traps again and again. I hurt so much, but then I forgive. All's good for a little while, but then it all falls apart once again. Why do I never learn?

I'm surrounded by people who love me and care for me. I should be able to fall back and rely on them. But then I feel so alone and helpless. There's no one I can talk to who won't judge me. I want so much to scream, but my voice is trapped inside. I cry alone, because no one understands.